Chiming in on this rich conversation. Order / Disorder. Connunctio / Nigredo. This is a consideration I return to again and again in my clinical as well as personal life. I have become acutely aware of this polarity, particularly in my own creative processes but any time a re-organization of self structure is immanent or underway. And one thing I have found is that the brighter the light, the darker the descent that follows. But it is important to remember that the disorder / nigredo / darkening is just as important as its polar opposite. The nigredo is the time of contraction after expansion, of integration of the bright light of spirit into the opaque resistant density of matter. Without the nigredo, without the contraction, the connunctio is just a beautiful but ephemeral glimpse of possibility that will not actually affect one’s actual life.

In direct response to your experience, Judy, I would like to comment on one thought you expressed:

Some psychoanalysts would likely say in the first instance with falling down the stairs, that I somehow was unable to tolerate that very joyful feeling I had after the gathering, and that I somehow needed to spoil it, out of unconscious guilt. But I am not sure that I buy that. I felt like there was some dark or negative energy that was trying to balance things out.

I feel that the psychoanalytic position you have expressed here, while worth consideration, is limited by its developmental bias. In practice, it assumes a linear, one-way causal flow of the life story and leaves a person feeling overly-responsible and mildly guilty, as if by unraveling their family patterns and biography, they could somehow prevent disaster, failure and even the less drastic upsets that are inevitably a part of embodied life. To me, this insistence of a rational explanation for disorder is a way that psychoanalysis over-values the ego’s capacity for control and can impede rather than support our connection to the mystery and awe of a multi-dimensional universe.

I think you are on the right track, Judy, when you speak of tuning in to other levels of energy .. perhaps it might even make sense for you to do a simple ritual clearing of the stairs leading from your office and set up a small mindfulness altar there to remind you to stay awake and grounded. In any case, both the instances you shared indicate that you are in a time of exciting creative growth and expansion. And as Benjamin and I often tell each other ruefully, “you’ve put some disorder in the bank” with the fall and the incident with the patient.

Thanks for sharing the Jack Kornfield link! I’ll look forward to taking a listen 🌟