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Joanne, I have just read and am integrating what you have shared in this post. Powerful, honest and very moving …
I am intrigued by what Benjamin shares about “the tension” between the Neptune in Sagittarius and the Sun in Virgo in your birth chart. What he says about the need for integration definitely resonates with the experiences you describe in your share – the tension between escape, freedom, and the longing for new vistas versus the need to follow through on your commitments and tend to ongoing relationships and connections over time.
While these two driving desires seem contradictory, I actually believe that there is a third possibility not yet seen that will allow you to integrate the opposites! Holding the tension of these opposites is the art of alchemy! It is the work that opens the way for something new to come to life. So rather than acting out on the impulse to escape or forcing yourself to “buckle down” and stay put, let the two opposing desires exist in you simultaneously. Tend them in small but conscious ways, for example:
- Commit to completing a certain relatively small, doable task by a certain time.
- Then, go off on some kind of small adventure … explore a place in nature or an urban neighborhood where you have never been before or get some art supplies you have never worked with before and experiment or plan a weekend trip.
- Keep oscillating between these two parts of you!
I am touched by the connection between your own psychology and your parents’ stories. Because the “imperative to flee” comes down to you from both sides of your lineage, it has a particularly strong influence. To work with these ancestral lineage issues, it can be helpful to do a ceremony or ritual that honors and releases the energies around them. I’m attaching a handout I developed on ritual for you to take a look at and see if anything clicks for you. This could be part of your work with your prima materia!
I love this succinct summary of what you commit this year:
My goal for this year is to be present with the uncertainty and discomfort, to keep a clear mind, to remove distractions that might cloud my way, to experience true commitment to a process so that it might catapult me into a new way of being and growing. To alchemize my longing to escape into a longing to transform.
Let me know if any of this resonates, if you have questions or reflections on anything I’ve shared. I look forward to seeing how your work evolves.
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