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Thank you both, Lorie and Benjamin, for tending my process, especially on a Sunday! This is where I left it Saturday night per Benjamin’s request:
My Prima Materia:
A primal and paralyzing fear of being persecuted & killed for being a healer. Underneath that… I am alone. Fear and abandonment.
A backstory/fleshing it out stream of consciousness:
It is not safe to let my inner healer out in this life, so I hide her away behind a fortress wall. She is protected. We are both alone. I am terrified and alone. I am told that in this life, I am safe from those who burn healers at the stake and put us in concentration camps merely for being born and being ourselves. We shall see. If I can find the courage, we shall see. I was also alone and abandoned by a culture who were threatened by my healing ways of being in the world in lives past, and who perhaps even benefitted from my healing gifts; abandoned by so many people in this life who have died and left me behind; emotionally abandoned for a time while my mother grieved her stillborn daughter postpartum; my sister, we had work to do together in this life and she didn’t show up; my aunt, who was my godmother, died when I was under 2 years old, mere months after my sister was stillborn. I was always told that Aunt Glenys was watching over me from the other side and I always felt her, but I felt her absence too. She has come to me many times in dreams with miles of people branching off behind her with messages, but I cannot hear them. I have been deeply frustrated by my inability to hear the spirits, my inability to pass their messages to those who need to hear them. At times I feel or see them and perhaps hearing isn’t actually how the information is communicated. I’m coming to learn that it is more of a thought that is downloaded to my consciousness rather than actually hearing. I can be too literal at times. This gift is unfolding but is not yet clear. Perhaps freeing my old wise one, my crone, my inner healer, will allow me to understand those messages so I can pass them along. Perhaps by freeing her from her fortress walls she will enter my treatment room and benefit my patients. Perhaps freeing her will allow us to integrate and being alone will never be the same again. Perhaps my inner healer can offer clarity on how to best help the person or people before me turn their lead into gold. This I will not know until she is free from those fortress walls.
Benjamin, After the nightmares and writing to you… given how the original nightmares have correlated with being left alone, maybe the focus needs to be on the isolation of feeling alone and that will naturally dissolve the walls and free my old crone, aka address the fear of being killed for being a healer. I am so very much looking forward to hanging out with her! Oh, and these dreams happen at random times. I think I’ve only had one in the past year, and it has been a heck of a year!
Lorie, thank you for your reply! I agree that something is really ready to shift. It has been doing so consistently in bite sized and manageable pieces since I signed up for this program. That is so refreshing! I wrote 7 lengthy paragraphs in response to your post, but opted for the more concise ramble above. I’ve written so much over the past 48 hours that I’m not quite sure what I’ve left out and how much I am repeating.
I will take your words under advisement. I am a very body-oriented person, but can spin and ruminate quite a bit as well. I’ve always felt the airplanes represent my spiritual self and I don’t know why they keep exploding, but they have been doing it for almost 40 years. Maybe I have Liver fire blazing from time to time. I had many nightmares as a child, but when I began learning that they are messages from my subconscious, I consider them teaching dreams and they are far less frightening. I also had hepatitis when I was 8-9 years old, so it is a vulnerable area that needs frequent attention. Yay for Wood weekend coming up!
Regarding my family, I come from a stable, close family with loving parents, both of whom have passed. I’m the youngest of 4 children and grew up thinking I should be doing everything the older kids were doing, so I have found that fundamentals aren’t my forte and I never quite feel like I’m an adult. We have our stuff, but fortunately, no abuse from them.