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Darcy – thank you for your courageous honesty here. Since you’ve alluded to your nodes and Saturn, I feel compelled to point out that your natal Saturn is conjunct your south node in the 11th house almost to the degree. This placement suggests that you’ve grappled with Saturn for lifetimes, likely out of some necessity (think extreme conditions in the collective that required your absolute sacrifice of anything resembling pleasure in order to simply survive). We know what a harsh taskmaster Saturn can be. The conjunction to your south node also suggests that you are given to demanding a lot from yourself, that you have had to carry a lot of responsibility and thus it has become something of a modus operandi to do so.
The 5th house and the sign Leo are surely about shining your unique creative light into the world, but they are also about pure pleasure. This area of the chart and this sign ask us to live from our joy, from our deepest pleasure, the way a child who is fully supported in being a child will do spontaneously. Mars in Cancer is, of course, also in the picture, widely conjunct your north node in Leo. So there is some imperative to bring the warrior compassion and feeling sensitivity of that Mars in Cancer to yourself. How might you allow yourself to let your deep pleasure guide you? How might you give yourself permission to fully inhabit your body in such a way that is healing to you, and not focussed on the caring of others?
And, of course, the positive application of Saturn must also be integrated into realizing the potential of that north node. Rather than taskmaster, Saturn might become your ally by supporting you in committing to small steps. Saturn loves discipline. But more than anything Saturn loves it when we follow through on a promise we make to ourselves that allows us to move in the direction of our dreams and goals. It needn’t be grand. Just consistent. Saturn rules time and maturity. He’s in no rush.
Of course, I am only just getting to know you, Darcy, and I don’t have the advantage of being able to engage these considerations in a dialogue here, but please let me know if any of what I’ve written here resonates. Surely that black seed under the soil needs the waters of compassion and the spiritual perspective suggested by your Pisces rising, ruled by Jupiter in Pisces (12th house!) and Neptune in watery Scorpio (squaring your nodes!). And as well the seed needs the nourishment of others … Sun in Libra in the 7th house cannot do it alone. I’m glad you are here with all of us, and I look forward to supporting you with this work over the coming year.