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Potent and powerful distillation here, Vicki. So many, as Liz says, “juicy” reflections, beginning with the question:
What is that part of me that wants (is ready) to die?
The answer to that question emerges as I review your writing.
Clearly, it is time to let go of the old defensive pattern of trying to be liked and accepted rather than fully inhabiting your self and, as you say, “courageously expressing the ancient song that sings my heart alive, even if that means vulnerably existing at the edge of mainstream society.” While this pattern has had its usefulness as a survival strategy in the past, it is no longer serving you.
In a situation like this, where you really are at a crossroads of personal transformation, I feel that it is important to honor and mourn what is outmoded and dying while at the same time, consciously cultivating what is coming to life, caring for the needs of the seeds that are sprouting underground while resisting the urge to push or control the emergence.
What comes to me as a next step is a ritual of appreciation and letting go of the “part that is dying.” I would venture to say that this part is entangled not only with your own personal psychology but also with the psychology of your ancestors and lineage. Spending some time reflecting on who / what /why this old pattern is entangle with and then with care and kindness, snipping the chords and saying goodbye.
Ritual can be a very simple act but it needs to be something physical. Inviting the support of the Elements – Fire, Water, Earth, Wood and Metal – to support you is also important. So, I suggest coming up with some physical “thing” that symbolically represents this old, dying pattern and transforming it – burning, burying, submerging it – in a physical act of letting go.
Once you have done this ritual, there will be much more psychic space and energy for the new pattern that is emerging – the Vicki that does not abandon herself, that acts and speaks from her authentic self rather than out of an attempt to please others and be liked.
The flower essence that comes to me as an ally for your work is Cerato. This is an easily obtained Bach Flower Essence which is recommended for people who doubt their own inner knowing and who tend to look to others for answers or cues. Take a look at the image below and if the flower resonates, take 4 drops of the essence 4 times a day for 4 weeks (one moon cycle) and then we can move to another ally that will support you in the courageous expression of your truth and self (I already have some ideas!).
I see this as a very important piece of your development as an Alchemical Healer, Vicki, and I am looking forward to supporting you with it as the year unfold!