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Hi Benjiman,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response to my vulnerable share. I appreciate also you identifying the virgo moon, which indeed can show up as an inner critic.
I have been pondering your question about the girl in the ballet class. Re: what is so repulsive? While I can’t put my finger on it exactly, I do remember being fascinated with death. I remember thinking about death often, (under the age of 5) and would say to my Dad everyday before he left for work, “if you die today, I love you”. And his response to me was, “don’t be silly, Stephanie, I am not going to die”. These sorts of deeper questions were often brushed off as “silly”. It felt lonely.
As I reflect, I don’t know if the little girl in ballet even wanted to be in ballet. In fact, I think the whole experience of ballet, school and social niceties confused her, while what made sense most to her (the more abstract dimensions of nature) was not mirrored back as “real”. She was also “diagnosed” with learning disabilities and was bullied at school, again this validated her confusion rather than her capacity to know something more abstract. As I get older and reflect more on my childhood, it makes sense to me that there is a fear of people “finding out”.
As I feel into her now, I feel her “dark riches” in her singing and her (sometimes blunt) honesty. Her dance is not ballet, but more expressive and wild–chaotic even: a stomp and a shake that moves to the rhythm of birth and death. To her, this is the only rhythm that exists. To her, authenticity is the most important thing. She wants to peel off any layers of pretending. She is able to see in the dark. When I sit with clients, I notice her eagerness to penetrate into the depths of one’s broken heart.
This brings me to your next question about what is emerging for me in my career…
I am 33 and am at the age where deciding to have children or not is a real crossroad. I have come to the realization that I have no desire to birth a physical child. In fact, the content of raising a child and parenting; driving to ballet class or soccer practice, joining a mom group, literally makes me cringe! (To admit this feels good and painful at the same time).
Despite the decision not to be a mother in this life, and the grief I feel around that, there is also yearning for the mother archetype to come through me. I feel that the mother wants to come through in my work of holding space for people in their psychological and spiritual transformation. In other words: a soul mother. I don’t know what shape this is going to take, whether it is combining my work of counselling with the medical qigong I have been studying, or whether it looks like teaching. I can’t see it. I am hoping by nursing my wood element over the coming months it will become more clear.
And, just like everything in my life up until now, the role of “soul mother” is not something everyone can see. There are parts of me that are craving the external validation that what I do in this life is valuable, and yet, because my work exists in the dark corners, I have a feeling that there is an internal validation that needs to take place, which is part of my work this year.
Not sure if any of this rambling made sense, but it is helpful to write.
Thank you again!!!