Reply To: Not enough. What if they find out?

[benjamin@anewpossibility.com]

Thanks for sharing more, Stephanie. It all makes great sense to me.

It’s easy enough for me to make the connection between how your very real concerns as a young girl being perceived as “silly” could morph into your feeling repulsive. Steven Forrest speaks to this very thing in describing Pluto in the chart as symbolic of our “distorting wound” in his Book of Pluto, a book you might actually get a lot from if you’ve not seen it.

I felt a big click in reading, “I don’t know if the little girl in ballet even wanted to be in ballet.” And yet, your South Node in Virgo, conjunct Moon in Virgo, both in the 7th house, would suggest that in some karmic way that little girl also felt that it was somehow her duty (a Virgo word) to be loyal to her family’s (Moon) expectations of her (in the 7th house, we are often defined by our relationship to others).

Finding your way to your own autonomy, your own Plutonian truth, feels like a big piece of the work. <font face=”inherit”>Blunt honesty is a defining quality of Pluto and Scorpio, so I’m glad to hear you can feel the “dark riches” associated with this quality in yourself. It’s </font>such an exquisite affirmation of who you are (Sun/Pluto in Scorpio) to read “… a stomp and a shake that moves to the rhythm of birth and death. To her, this is the only rhythm that exists.” And, “She wants to peel off any layers of pretending. She is able to see in the dark.” I’m sure you know how quintessentially Scorpionic each of these descriptives is! More affirmation of your essential being that you can describe yourself this way.

I can’t really know the very distinct grief I imagine must be associated for you as a woman in deciding not to have a child, but I admire your honesty about your process. I made the same choice in life not to father a child, and yet I have discovered so many ways to live into the archetype of Father. I couldn’t see any of it at 33. I kept finding my way through the dark, and finally in my 40’s things began to take some shape.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. I have no doubt you will discover how to live into your own expression as soul mother. I look forward to holding space through our work this year for your exploration, and I’m excited to witness your discoveries.