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Dear Lauren, I am chiming in on your writing, which is moving, riveting, and an incredible story of transformation. Like others here, I want to acknowledge and appreciate your courage, vulnerability and generosity in sharing so deeply about the “backstory” of your Prima Materia.
As Benjamin says, the original distilled version was beautiful and clear in itself –
… transforming false beliefs and leaning into the power of you Divine knowing, which is soft and gentle and powerful … as you learn to trust and embody who you really are.
But as you bring us in to the soul story that underlies this declaration of Prima Materia intention, I find myself amazed and inspired by what you have gone through, how you have already transformed an incredibly challenging early life into a life centered on healing and deep inner sacred knowing.
I love hearing about your mother’s discovery of a mystical path in the midst of Christianity and how the attitude, values and truths of this other path almost imperceptibly seeped into your cells and became a part of you. I am only sorry to hear that your mother’s process was impeded by Steven’s incarceration and her own downward mental-emotional spiral. But as you say, I do have the sense that your current inner work is having its own “healing backwards …” as well as “healing forward” effects.
Untethering your soul and your voice from some of the authoritarian, patriarchal energies of the Church as well as your family is a worthy piece of prima materia. If you are not already working with flower essences, I think they could be a very good additional support. One flower that jumps out at me is Sunflower as it has strong healing effects on our relationship to the masculine and the father and also has a spirit of radiance that I feel is ready to shine more brightly from your core. You can order Sunflower at
https://www.fesflowers.com/?s=sunflower
An essence for the other aspect of your work, ” leaning into the power of your Divine knowing, which is soft and gentle and powerful,” could be Inner Knowing from Lotus Wei:
https://www.lotuswei.com/collections/flower-essences-for-inner-knowing
I suggest getting the elixir and taking 2-3 drops 3-4 times a day and also the aura mist which you can use multiple times a day. I love the fragrance of the mist, especially for the coming spring season … “I am Wood. I Become!”
I look forward to continuing the journey with you, Lauren! So glad you are here!