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Dana – thank you … for your honesty, your perseverance, your courage, your trust. Lorie and I ask everyone to engage in this exercise of distilling and articulating the Prima Materia because it truly is how and where the work of alchemy begins. I can feel you in your alchemy. All the ways you described of trying to shy away from it are how we attempt to maintain status quo, stay safe, undermine our own growth. And believe me, you are not alone … we all have our ways of doing just that. So, thanks for letting it boil, for letting the irritability catalyze your sharing, and especially for recognizing the gift in the avoidance … the avoidance itself being a piece of lead, which has already allowed you to find the gold of your clarity about the sadness.
As I read about your 6-8 year old self, I have to wonder if she felt somehow responsible for your parents’ difficulties with money and fidelity. If the sense of loss within your childhood home fell on her shoulders in the way it often does when we are young. You allude to this distinct possibility in writing, “Not enough to change my/her circumstance.” I’m glad to hear you are sitting with her, giving her space and love, tending to her. I encourage you to make it a daily practice to check in with her in the same way you would your own child. What does she need from you to feel safe? To feel loved? She may need to cry and I hope you can make space for her to do so.
I also want to just name that I am holding the vision of your realizing ‘a new possibility’ with regard to your relationship to money, to the ‘not enough.’ So often, our relationship with money is intimately tied to a relationship with our own self-worth, and so I feel you are definitely on the right track with this piece of work.
We’ll be talking about flower essences on our next session, and perhaps you have already worked with them. I want to recommend you take a look at this blend: https://www.thespiritseed.org/elementalsessences/p/worthy, crafted by our dear friend and colleague, Lindsay. It is one I and many people I know have worked with. See if it resonates, and if not just hold off and we’ll continue to support you in transforming this place of lead.