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Dear Lorie,
It has taken me awhile to get back to you, but I so deeply appreciate your thoughts, your guidance, and your suggestions here. I have been sitting with them and working with them and wish to share where I am, now, in the process.
Yes, the part of me that is ready to die is the part that will shape-shift itself and silence itself in order to “fit” into various spaces. I believe that fitting—ie. being liked and NOT rejected— emerged as a survival strategy when I was still inside of my mother’s womb.
A snippet of the backstory: When my young mother told my biological father that she was pregnant with me, he was overcome with rage and violently attacked her.
Although my mother softens this story by simply saying, “he hit me,” my grandmother, before she died, told me that my mother came home that day “black and blue.”
There I was—a 6 week-old fetus—and my very existence, the NEWS of my existence, triggered a violent rejection (by my father) and deep trauma (in my mother).
I have no doubt that I felt this, in my already-sensitive nervous system. I have no doubt that this is the moment when my heart broke (I was born, nine months later, with a faulty heart valve).
And I have no doubt that the message that was imprinted on my soul, in that moment, was: It is not safe to be me.
This internal message is what motivated my shape-shifting/silencing over the years. Rejection (which includes any type of failure) has always felt dangerous.
But, you are right in saying that this message and its resulting pattern are no longer useful.
I love your idea of a ritual to let go of what no longer serves me (nor my mother, nor my grandmother, nor the rest of my lineage).
It feels important that this ritual include Earth/Yi—the element and spirit I feel least connected to, but which I believe hold a key to my continued healing and transformation.
(During our group meeting this month, Stephanie reminded me that the Chinese symbol for the Yi is the symbol of the open bowl of the heart, with a song rising out of it: “…the ancient song that sings my heart alive…”)
I am therefore waiting until later this spring, when the ground is fully thawed, to do this ritual, as there will be some actual “planting of newness” involved.
Thank you, also, for recommending Cerato—the image resonated very much! I ordered some online and have yet to receive it, but I should very soon. I look forward to befriending it.
(Side note: It has not gone unnoticed that my instant and powerful connection to Black Spruce and its “Grandfather energy” coincided with my diving into Prima Materia work. The gaping hole left by my absent biological father, during the first few years of my life, was filled by my Grampa, whose oceanic love ensured I did not feel the absence at all.)
Thank you, Lorie. It is a wonder to be here, doing this work, with you.