Reply To: Lucy’s Prima Materia

[Lucy Lee]

Another layer is emerging as I’ve been delving into the black soil. I was feeling what felt like a long period of negrido after posting. All the voices of negativity and judgement came roaring in so I grappled with those for some time (and still am). In our lab group, I felt safe enough to share a piece that cuts even closer to a vulnerable and tender spot that feeds into my Prima Materia.
I shared how becoming a mother never happened for me and it makes me feel like I don’t belong when so many others share that formative experience of being a parent. It also can make me feel like a failure. I have a great sense that a lot of my block towards my growth came from feeling like I am Not Enough as well as from intergenerational heaviness. These are both a big part of why I never chose the right partners or set myself up to bring a child into this world. There is so much fear that has really stopped me from bringing another life into this world even though others would often comment on how naturally maternal I am.

Now that I have been grieving my own mother’s passing last year, it becomes this complex area. Grieving my mother, grieving the relationship we never had, grieving the children that I never had, the mother I never became (to a whole new layer). I have been working with Barnacle essence which in Pacific Flower Essences is for Abandonment of the Mother and connection to the Divine Feminine. It enters Small Intestine meridian and is a birthing remedy to develop radical trust. I feel things shifting slowly. I have a new practice of connecting with my mother on the other side, now that she is no longer in physical form. It was something that had been presented to me earlier but never resonated until working with Barnacle. There can be a soothing softness instead of the jagged, hard edges when I feel into that particular grief. I can be gentler with myself and mother myself in the ways that I am needing. So instead of only looking backwards and grieving what is not there, I can nourish myself now to grow towards what is possible.