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Cara – returning now to your PM with more space to take in, again, your words and your experience. There is so much in what you write that I can relate to, that resonates with my own experience. I know the exhaustion of forever being driven by all of the internalized “shoulds.” I want to acknowledge that your taking the risk to name all of this, and your courage to share it with all of us, is already catalyzing a transformation of your relationship to these parts of yourself. Whether you are consciously aware of that shift, I am confident it is taking place.
I agree with Vicki that the “sharp, cramping, burning sensation in your stomach area” is an important piece to care for, to sit next to (as you would a beloved friend), to relate to with gentle curiosity. I suspect this sensation has a lot it wants to communicate to you. Already, through your breathwork experience, I can hear how you are making contact with young parts that are longing to be seen and cared for. Remember that you can pace yourself in making space for the difficult feelings. Alchemical healing requires careful tending, modulation of heat.
My own experience with addiction has been a journey. It’s been helpful to understand how rooted the behaviors are in early trauma. I suspect you know the work of Dr. Gabor Maté, but if you’ve not read his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, it presents a remarkably informed and compassionate view on addiction. He also recently produced a film titled ‘The Wisdom of Trauma,’ which you can learn more about here. And the book that Vicki referenced by Toko-Pa Turner is also wonderful, if you’ve not read it.
Please stay in touch with me and Lorie, Cara, as we move through the year. Let us know how we can support your personal work, and also your taking this learning into your practice.