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MemberJune 6, 2022 at 12:36 pm
Last night, as I delved into Five Spirits to finish chapter 4 before falling asleep, the alchemical nature of reading this material while in this program revealed another layer of itself. It had been an emotionally difficult weekend on many levels. Looking back over it, mostly around “too much, not enough,” “where is there space for me?” and compassion burnout, all as my family prepares to spread our parents’ ashes at sea next Saturday.
I became very agitated as I began reading, jumping in where I had left off at The Loss of Tao, enough so that I got out of bed to email my energy worker friend, Dayna, to schedule an appointment. As I returned to the reading, I observed myself having to constantly pull myself back. My mind was scattered and I felt a magnetic repulsion to being present. My eyes danced off of the page and I had to continually pull myself back to the page and to my conscious focus. It was less like returning to the present moment and more like getting a hyperactive chihuahua puppy who has been left alone all day to settle after getting home from work.
Then I felt my energy. I could feel layers off of my body. I could feel into it and see it with my inner vision in layers of density. It was most dense, most agitated on the surface of my skin in a layer of about 4-5 inches. Moving out for another 6-8 inches, it was more refined and ethereal, less dense. Then moving out another 18-24 inches it was less dense still. Then it was not visually perceivable to my mind’s eye, but I know it was still expanding around me. (This brings me back to learning about how studies have “discovered” that the heart’s energetic field moves in about those same measurements beyond the body.) As I read about the different levels of separation between the spirits, this energy would settle into a felt sense in each area. I felt an alchemical teacher here, or maybe it was the Tao, teaching my soul. This reinforced that learning this really isn’t about a mental understanding. It is so much more.
As I read on and the text moved to The Reorientation of the Self, my energy began to pull back in from my auric field and into my physical body. My Shen began to settle. My agitation from the whole weekend began to settle, from the way too long a visit with the friend who I realize is more of a project and takes far more than she gives, to the stop at the grocery store to find they were closed because an employee had been shot and killed overnight in the store. It all pulled back in from scattered qi or an expanded qi or just intense energy, I’m not exactly sure what to call it, but I’m thinking that it is a kind of shen disturbance. But now, after that event, I feel it as the red birds returning to their nest. I’m building a relationship with my Shen. All this from reading a few pages during an alchemical study.
The process took about an hour. It felt like a “climactic change”, but without the heat. I am aware that throughout my studies I glazed over the Heart and the Fire Element. I had an unconscious magnetic repulsion to the Fire element, a denial of sorts. Last night, the way my energy expanded, then settled, felt like an expansion of my auric field. It is time to learn about my shen.
And this brings me back to my prima materia (I am alone, I’ve been killed for being a healer in many lives past so I built a fortress wall around my internal healer). I realized that how I saw the energy field around me is how I now see the fortress walls around my crone. After refining my PM, the stones transformed to clear, energetic blocks that I could see through. When I went to see Dayna for more energy work in April, I forgot to mention the progress on my PM work. When she checked in, she saw the exact vision I had of looking through the clear walls, like looking through old, warped windows, at a field. Perhaps I needed to let that sit and integrate, gestate, at that level before I could move on to the Fire element. There is definitely a timing to all of this! I know that, but it is always a “wow” moment when a deeper level reveals itself. Lastly, I can now see that the fortress wall may be the Pericardium. This warrants further study. Perfectly timed as we move into the Fire element.