[Kelli Pallansch]

Benjamin and Lorie – thank you both for your thoughtful responses here!!

Her name is Sloane and she does live just a 10 minute drive from me! She’s been interested in medicine since she was very little, so over the years I have given her old things to play with, like a broken empty alcohol dispenser or cool looking empty boxes of gauze or patches. We used to treat her stuffed animals by sprinkling imaginary Zheng Gu Shui from empty bottles then wrap them in bandages. She was a toddler when I was in acupuncture school and her mom would come in sometimes, so she would watch me then take the empty guide tubes and place them on her mom’s legs and things. Then we would look inside all the herbal drawers to pass time. This is also SF, so she’s heard of things through her friends’ moms who are open to all kinds of who knows what.

Benjamin, thank you for the reminder that this is just like everything else. I always let kids guide a conversation, so thank you for stating that this is exactly the same.

And Lorie, thank you for the reminder that I can dole out one thing at a time. No need to overwhelm her by downloading everything I know. Hahaha! That’s what I want to do because I’m so excited she’s showing such interest in these things.

[Kelli Pallansch]

I crack myself up at how impatient I can be working with my prima materia. Like shouldn’t I be receiving just fine by now? Ha ha! Even though it’s still not necessarily easy or fun to receive and I still cry, I remind myself how different the intensity and nature of that reaction is, how it’s changed shape, how I recover quicker.

I heard the song “Grace” by Florence and the Machine early this morning and it made me cry! So I took a closer look and found that there is a part of me that doesn’t feel deserving of receiving because I don’t forgive myself for how I have mistreated people in the past or for eating meat or drinking cow milk or overly contributing to landfills or participating in white power/ privilege etc etc etc.

What! I had no clue that was in here. I am on the hook for everything. So I am *receiving* this as a gift to the slow reveal of this work, shifting focus just a bit to tend this chunk of it.

[Kelli Pallansch]

HUGE shift! I did a group breathwork session with Erin on Sunday, and she brought attention to the solar plexus area. Maybe 15 years ago I had a reading where the person told me that I use my solar plexus to check in with other people and receive messages instead of my third eye. I had never noticed that before and it definitely clicked with me. Since then I’ve fumbled along to stop doing that. What I found on Sunday was that I had cleared people out of that area, but still hung on to the observed pain and sufferings of the earth and her beings, and some of that was fairly recent, so I guess I still receive a bit there with animals? I had such a hard time letting go of it all, like it meant something to the observed and somehow me, but I still let go and trusted that it did not mean abandonment or selfishness but an opportunity to feel completely safe in my body to be more fully resourced to address that pain and suffering.

Ho. Lee. Wow.

All that guilt and unforgiving myself of last week is gone! My relationship to food has changed completely. I have always felt compelled to eat whatever anyone offered me, and that’s gone too.

I’ve had this image close to me for the past month or so: I am looking down at myself at a crossroads, where there are three paths (three new work opportunities), me standing there with a blue bindle over my shoulder (WHY a bindle??? Why can’t this be a stylish suitcase or tote I own???) contemplating the paths but not moving. And all surrounding that is blurred, which means I have changed internally and that 1) blurs the history behind me (my perspective of my own history changes as I heal, so history changes, right?), 2) blurs my current situation to each side of me (I have changed internally but my behaviors and habits have not and need to shift along with me), and that 3) blurs the future ahead of me (as I change internally, the opportunities in the future change as well and I’m not sure what that means). Are you still with me? Now when I see this image, it’s much sharper, the blur is further out/ less pronounced. I also realize that I am ready to move forward into all three work opportunities as one path not three and I am already doing that now. I absolutely do not need to choose between any of them anytime soon, so these paths are merging a bit.

And most importantly….. I AM ABLE TO RECEIVE!!! I let in tons of love from whatever presents itself to me. A friend I just saw, a rose, I even took in the image of a pine flower from Benjamin’s pine flower essence recommendation. I have to think about it, but when I do I am able to take in a lot of love and feel it and not worry about it in any way.

I also am using our tools to check in regularly with the solar plexus area to see what she needs to feel safe and comforted. I’m surprised but not surprised that it’s pretty basic, like maybe just some rose oil on Ren 15.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Hi Sweet Liz! I’m sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I have been thinking about you since you posted this. I wonder how all of this sits with you now.

First, did you complete your competition? Are you done with your intensive training? From witnessing others, I know how all-consuming that type of training can be! It takes some sort of gritty determination or some other skill that I absolutely do not have so I can’t name it well. I always imaged coming out of that training would be a bit confusing and disorienting. Like Tao what? There is some jet lag involved.

So it seems like a fun opportune time to hang out in your Tao again. Where it seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself for stepping out of your Tao, I find it enviable how strong that pull is for you! Doesn’t everyone lose their Tao? (I’m picturing a huge Lost and Found box full of everyone’s Taos.) Even the fact that you are so authentic and honest about where you are in relation to your Tao right now is absolutely helping others connect to their own authentic selves (hi there!). It’s so clear how hard that is, how frustrating it is, and it is so inspiriting how you own it and share it. I can’t think of a better way to help others connect with their authentic selves than with a post such as this!

I worry this all sounds trite. I honor how tumultuous this must be, the unease of leaning into sadness, of feeling into contradictions and disappointment. You are incredibly brave and authentic. Your willingness to examine so closely and sit in the trenches is the definition of having your shit together. Not many people can do that, and you are setting an incredible example to lead others.

Lately this has really been resonating with me: I personally am all about embracing imposter syndrome. Everybody has it, so I want everybody to talk about it. What sort of constructs have we built that makes this appear in the first place, and all the shame and burden that comes along with feeling it. I don’t know the answers, I just want to throw all that out the window. I’m sitting in mine, I’m owning it, talking about it, bringing great light and confidence to it. Like let’s all join the imposter party weeee!!!

Thank you, Liz!! Big big hugs.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Lauren, thank you so much for continuing to show up with your beautiful shares. I am still slowly making my way through this thread, observing all the content everyone continues to post! I’m convinced you have some magical power to turn online platforms into rich ideas and discussion. I am so grateful for that.

[Kelli Pallansch]

I’ve been doing an active breathwork course to further support me in this whole process, clearing and moving qi. This week we are looking at anger. I am seldom angry – the emotion seems to have been tapped out of me after all the rage I grew up with.

This morning while breathing, I decided to focus on all the seething feelings towards my mother (ha ha! “I’m fine, I seldom feel anger.”). While in the middle of my breathwork, me as a small child appeared and I was angry at how neglected and careless my caretakers were towards me. So I stood behind little me, put my hands on her shoulders, leaned over and showed her the red bird and the green dragon and how they were there for her. Suddenly they both started flapping their wings, kicking up a red dust of rage that I internalized from my mother. This dust gathered up in a cyclone shape and lifted up out of me and took off back to her. None of this happened in an angry way either. It left me feeling lighter and able to receive some deliciousness from myself and my ancestors/ guides/ source/ whathaveyou.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Oh me too me too!! I didn’t arrive at it the same way, but in a lesson of self-sustainability, I was able to make this past Sunday an X-day (see http://www.willduncan.org/x-day.htmlhttp://www.willduncan.org/x-day.html) where I had zero commitments AND the apartment to myself. I made a loose schedule of what I wanted the day to look like, told my closest people I would be completely unavailable that day (and they were all okay!), then shut off all screens and devices for the entire day. I watched the sun rise – it was dark when I woke up so I watched the whole sky change light, I wrote, read from actual books (thanks, Kigo), went to Bi-Rite Market where I allowed myself to be in awe of produce, did five loads of laundry as if that was my silent monastery task, etc. I made a cup of tea a half hour thing to do. It wasn’t all bliss – it got a bit scratchy, but in a good way. It made me look at some things I’ve been avoiding.

I’m starting to appreciate the nuance between a self-soothe and a self-care. They can look deceptively similar but one numbs me out while the other allows me to tune out the world for a moment while also replenishing me.

I can’t believe what a difference that one day made. And how even though I was grocery shopping and doing laundry, they didn’t feel like chores but something enjoyable (like weeding a garden?). Going forward, I am blocking out “X” times in my calendar on a weekly basis, even if I can only afford an hour or two. And if my girlfriend is home, I’m putting in earplugs for both our sakes.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Hi Sarah. I’m so sorry to hear about your emergency appendectomy and reversal of travel plans. I hope you are recovering well from the surgery. That must have been stressful to switch gears and head back because I assume you had already rented out your home too? I’m glad you made it to Colorado. I have been meaning to tell Babbie how much I loved seeing that bright winter sun on her face and the Rockies in the background during the zoom last week. That’s so cool that you are doing the mentorship together!! I can’t wait to hear what you discover is next for you.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Lauren, thank you so much for posting this. That deck is absolutely gorgeous. I like how not knowing anything about Tarot, I sat with these cards before reading your comments, and what came up for me was similar to some of what you wrote. I really enjoy reading how you are relating to them, AND you have a treatment! It’s breathing some new inspiration into those points for me. It is so cool that you combine tarot with acupuncture!! I’m so curious how you came upon that idea – now I’m surprised that I haven’t heard of this before. And yes yes rose on Ren17! I’ve been doing this daily for almost a month now… this is an interesting new perspective on it for me. I look forward to more posts like this from you!!

[Kelli Pallansch]

@lizrosemanlac Thank you for the laugh!! I even shared that ordering a dose on Amazon Prime to a couple people who needed to hear that too and they laughed too. I’ve been thinking about you lots, appreciating all your updates, and sending you love.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Oooh, Lorie, thank you for adding to this idea of self-soothe vs self-care. Another distinction for me are acts of loving myself versus abandoning myself. A while ago I wrote out a list of all the ways that I show love to myself and it became SUPER clear how the default ways I comfort myself were really not serving me. The beautiful descriptions of how you self-soothe your little wee one all sound like delightful acts of self-love.

I really appreciate how you and Benjamin show up and allow yourselves to be vulnerable along with the rest of us.

[Kelli Pallansch]

It’s an online active breathwork course offered by Erin Telford. I appreciate that she used to be a practicing acupuncturist, as she often speaks from that perspective. Her whole session on anger was describing the emotion from a TCM perspective. I don’t always agree with her personal views, but her sessions are mostly neutral in that sense, and it gives me a little space to remind myself to only take what resonates with me. All her sessions are in group (and greatly range in number of attendees). She talks for a while, then leads everyone in the active breathwork.

Here is a link to a little intro video to give you an idea: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uqGmGv68PSo#https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uqGmGv68PSo#

I’ve also been doing remote cranial sacral sessions with Bronwen Williams. She used to live in SF, but had to relocate back to England a year or two ago, and lucky for me she started offering remote sessions (all one-on-one). Here is her website: https://www.bronwenwilliams.co.uk

Both the active breathwork and the remote cranial sacral work align really well with inner sensing for me. I’m really fine tuning the skills of dropping in and tending to what arises in a profoundly trusting way. Bronwen’s sessions have been really helpful for when I need some hand holding or feel stuck. She offers free introductory online sessions to learn more/ determine if it could be a good fit.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Nicole, you have been on my mind and I have been wanting to respond to you. I’m just now slowly starting to engage more in the forums after some reflective time. I was happy to see your face on zoom last week.

I don’t have a car, so when I am up in Marin, it’s as a co-pilot on a mission. If you ever find yourself in SF, I would be more than happy to meet you for a walk or a tea and some good cross-pollinating! Or maybe I ferry up to Marin and we meet that way??

[Kelli Pallansch]

Oh, Benjamin, thank you for all of this. I wasn’t sure what to make of the comments related to astrology – I even hesitated posting it! – so I appreciate your thoughts on that. I never thought of astrology in that way, so it’s blowing my mind a bit.

I also never considered how AI could be more a reflection of the developer than the user! More stuff here to blow my mind, so thank you!! I look forward to listening to that podcast.

[Kelli Pallansch]

Kate, I swear so much of what you say resonates and vibes in me both here and in zoom chat. I would love to talk to you more about all these things! And I’m so curious to hear more about your move. I like how you describe yourself as a lone wolf. I keep going back to the idea of being in a cocoon the past two years and I’m ready to emerge now as something different and be out in the word in a new way. I have this image of a wolf and butterfly heading down a forested path together coming across other forest creatures and dwellings until some new kind of pack is formed. And I just found out that for me as a butterfly, a pack is… a kaleidoscope?? Kate, you are definitely part of my kaleidoscope.