[Stephanie Nosco]

Hi Vicki,

Thank you so much for sharing this. I actually read it a while ago, but I have been working with similar themes in my own life and thought of you this morning as I was contemplating.

I resonated a lot with your use of language, experiencing yourself as a collection of parts because<font face=”inherit”> I do a lot of IFS (parts work) with my therapy clients. One of the slogans we use in this modality is: “all parts are welcome”. This is true even when they are causing us distress, and the work is not necessarily to get rid of them, but rather, integrate them as a part of our inner family. In fact, the founder of the Richard Schwartz, theorizes that it is impossible to eliminate parts of ourselves. What we can do is witness them, unburden them, and allow them to take on a new role. Perhaps that part of you that wants to die is ready to take on a new role? Or perhaps she is still scared? I wonder what she would rather do if she wasn’t so concerned with hiding and stifling your voice? I also wonder if there is another part in your system that wants the one who is hiding to die, because she longs to be free?

I suppose this is what Lorie was pointing to in post regarding transformation- which is a death of sorts. I offer this language only because some younger parts get scared, and “new role” is a gentler way of describing transformation which can be less intimating for those younger parts of our soul. I am also curious if you got a chance to do a ritual?

I am excited to chat more about this during our group meeting this weekend!

[Stephanie Nosco]

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[Stephanie Nosco]

Thanks for your reply, Benjamin. Glad you are both feline lovers. Here is Kirby and I! Looking forward to next weekend!

[Stephanie Nosco]

Hi Benjamin!

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your comment about how relating to the dream as a question, is a movement towards my Pisces North node: spaciousness and faith.

This has been a huge theme in my life recently, and I love how you related that part of my chart to Lorie, in her casual appearance in my dream. What is funny, is that after I had that dream, I posted a shaking qigong video on instagram, in which I was just being my silly self. I went semi-viral leading to more attention then I intended or wanted. I am a bit overwhelmed with clients- without any trying at all. It feels expansive and easy- and at the same time overwhelming as I feel I am in totally new territory.

The part of me that is intense, the “inner tyrant” feels a bit insecure. She wants a plan and wants to know where this is all going. She does indeed feel like a whip at my back. At the same time, this intensity has been a huge source of resiliency throughout my life and has been a driving force in my career and survival thus far. Perhaps the intensity, isn’t “bad”, but rather, can be redirected into a force that can support the expansiveness and faith. Maybe they can work together, even though they seem to be apposing.

I will continue to sit with all these themes! Thank you again Benjamin!!! I am looking forward to our meeting on dreams. And thank you again for bringing in your expertise on astrology. It really helped me see this dream from a different angle.

And yes, my Instagram account is just my name! I only started it a couple months ago after my last account was hacked and taken down. I just posted old material from writing and integrating Medical Qigong stuff 🙂

[Stephanie Nosco]

Hi Lorie, Benjamin and Christine!

Thank you all so much for your thorough and thoughtful replies. I have been reflecting on your questions for the past couple weeks and they have exposed some additional layers of curiosity for me. I am really getting the feel for letting dreams “live” as an open question, rather than something to place meaning on.

I am so happy you (and Christine) highlighted the significance of Jon’s presence in my dream. It is a detail I skipped over, as Jon is such a consistent presence in my life, it seemed so natural for him to be in the car with me. Perhaps another reason I skipped over the detail is because I have always felt free to be my own authority in his presence. Out of all the relationships I have ever been in, Jon makes me feel the most free. And he sees me for who I am. And, if anything, I take on more of a masculine role in the relationship. In the dream, it really felt like Jon was a part of me, and so, of course he was going to be in the car!

Something really “clicked” for me in your question:

is there some way you need to come into better relationship with your own yang / masculine / inner partner so that your feelings and thought / emotions and ideas can support each other, so that you “two” are collaborating in navigation rather than arguing about it?

YES! As I am reflecting on this I think Jon could represent the masculine inner parter. As I was mentioning in my prima materia, my life goes through phases of extreme yin (rest and retreat from the world, inaction) and extreme yang (never taking a break). Perhaps this is alluding the the my growth edge of embodying both masculine and feminine aspects, while navigating through my life. I can be embracing feminine qualities, while still moving forward.

I found Christine’s comment interesting here, that Jon could also represent more of the body consciousness. Jon (in real life) is also always wanting to have fun, and does skip over important details that can leave me frustrated. I have this quality also that I get frustrated about. Perhaps Jon could represent the part of me that is lighthearted and playful, not caring so much about if we end up at some destination. The conflict I had in the dream was because I was focused so much on the outcome- versus Jon, who was enjoying the ride. Perhaps the “just drop it” is learning how to care and not to care: that is, dropping my attachment to the outcome.

As a wood element type who has had no vision of life direction for the past 6 months, the green of the signs I feel is indicating new possibilities that are arising. As I told you during one of our office hours, I shared that I got a parasite and my business media accounts hacked in the course of a couple days. It was a rough go for me, both physically, emotionally and financially.

Now, as we blossom deeper into summer, I am finally feeling stronger in my body, and also in my mind and vision. I have a new media account that has totally exploded. It feels like I am standing at the trailhead of a brand new path and wondering which way to go!

What is interesting about the home address is that we just finished renovating a 100 year old house and have recently moved in. While things are nearly complete, there are still the final details left to wrap up and we don’t have any decor or future. It is a blank slate. Similar to my work- and my guts/body! It is the first home that is my own, and I am truly making it my own. The house has so much spirit I feel Jon and I are breathing into it.

Benjamin, the question you posed of what needs to be let go of has been a potent one for me to ponder. I find my mind chiming in “just drop it” in many different scenarios where I feel I am overwhelmed or taking myself too seriously.

I also wanted to add, that in the same night (perhaps even the same dream but not sure how they thread together) I actually dreamt that Lorie and I were sitting on a picnic bench together. Lorie was wearing very casual clothing and was leaning back, laughing and having fun. She/ You told me “Stephanie, you just need to bring more YOU into your work”. I have been wondering if the dream could mean dropping the façade of who I think I need to be, and rather, bringing more of who I actually am.

This ties also into my prima materia, which is my fear (and also deepest longing of being seen. “What if they find out”? Just dropping the facade and stepping into who I am as a teacher, healer, mentor and therapist. I was also thinking about what we were talking about yesterday in the office hour about the wood element’s boundaries- allowing myself to grow all the way to my edge, and dropping the idea of what I am supposed to grow into.

phew! that was a ramble. I would be open to any more thoughts on this. Thank you both for all you offer!

[Stephanie Nosco]

Hi Benjiman,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response to my vulnerable share. I appreciate also you identifying the virgo moon, which indeed can show up as an inner critic.

I have been pondering your question about the girl in the ballet class. Re: what is so repulsive? While I can’t put my finger on it exactly, I do remember being fascinated with death. I remember thinking about death often, (under the age of 5) and would say to my Dad everyday before he left for work, “if you die today, I love you”. And his response to me was, “don’t be silly, Stephanie, I am not going to die”. These sorts of deeper questions were often brushed off as “silly”. It felt lonely.

As I reflect, I don’t know if the little girl in ballet even wanted to be in ballet. In fact, I think the whole experience of ballet, school and social niceties confused her, while what made sense most to her (the more abstract dimensions of nature) was not mirrored back as “real”. She was also “diagnosed” with learning disabilities and was bullied at school, again this validated her confusion rather than her capacity to know something more abstract. As I get older and reflect more on my childhood, it makes sense to me that there is a fear of people “finding out”.

As I feel into her now, I feel her “dark riches” in her singing and her (sometimes blunt) honesty. Her dance is not ballet, but more expressive and wild–chaotic even: a stomp and a shake that moves to the rhythm of birth and death. To her, this is the only rhythm that exists. To her, authenticity is the most important thing. She wants to peel off any layers of pretending. She is able to see in the dark. When I sit with clients, I notice her eagerness to penetrate into the depths of one’s broken heart.

This brings me to your next question about what is emerging for me in my career…

I am 33 and am at the age where deciding to have children or not is a real crossroad. I have come to the realization that I have no desire to birth a physical child. In fact, the content of raising a child and parenting; driving to ballet class or soccer practice, joining a mom group, literally makes me cringe! (To admit this feels good and painful at the same time).

Despite the decision not to be a mother in this life, and the grief I feel around that, there is also yearning for the mother archetype to come through me. I feel that the mother wants to come through in my work of holding space for people in their psychological and spiritual transformation. In other words: a soul mother. I don’t know what shape this is going to take, whether it is combining my work of counselling with the medical qigong I have been studying, or whether it looks like teaching. I can’t see it. I am hoping by nursing my wood element over the coming months it will become more clear.

And, just like everything in my life up until now, the role of “soul mother” is not something everyone can see. There are parts of me that are craving the external validation that what I do in this life is valuable, and yet, because my work exists in the dark corners, I have a feeling that there is an internal validation that needs to take place, which is part of my work this year.

Not sure if any of this rambling made sense, but it is helpful to write.

Thank you again!!!

[Stephanie Nosco]

Hi Lorie,

Thank you so much for your thorough response.

As someone with a very “woody” constitution, it seems to be hard to keep in balance. I have been seeing Ashely Abbs on a consistent basis for treatment and she suggested bergamot oil. I have fallen out of the routine of using it, so I will start again today!

And thank you for reminding me about the metal element. In addition to your comments re: inherent preciousness, I realize that then ending of cycle has been challenging for me. I just completed a masters degree but have yet to frame my certificate or even go out to celebrate. I also have yet to register for licensing or do those nitty gritty details of organizing my credentials.

In addition, finances and money have been an area of shame for me. I avoid my taxes and finances at all costs, until it is the last minute and everything piles up. I know that I probably waste money because I don’t want to look at where it is going. I don’t know if money relates to the metal element, but wonder this lack of internal worth relates to also my external relationship to money. I also notice an underlying anxiety when these necessary parts of life are not taken care of (cleaning the dishes, tracking bills and details), which actually hinder my capacity for creative energy to flow. I am now just putting together the fact that metal supports wood in its ability to provide a sense of safely and structure.

I have started the mindful breathing practice. I appreciate you giving permission to go easy- 5 minutes rather than the heroic long meditations.

I will continue to reflect on what you said and look forward to our office hours this week.

Thank you!!

Stephanie

[Stephanie Nosco]

Thanks for you reply Kelli! Cool that you know of the Rockies. They are magical. Looking forward to getting to know you better this year. See you tomorrow!

[Stephanie Nosco]

Thanks for sharing that Liz! I am not surprised that there would be a few other scorpios in the group 😉 see you tomorrow!